He said he’d come home early and despite facing disappointment from over 30 years I still had a little bit of hope left in me and thought that he would come early tonight.
All these years I waited for his arrival but he never turned up on time.
When we got married, we were the happiest couple I guess. I remember he would bring me flowers and chocolates almost every night, not that I care about such stuff, no, I am not materialistic at all. I liked his presence and the fact that he thought and cared about me.
As months passed, time changed, he changed. I could feel him drifting away from me. I began to believe in my own lies, I began to believe in his excuses maybe because the reality was too harsh for me to accept. He came late from work, hardly noticed me, hardly cared for me, sometimes we went out for dates but I could sense that he was not at all interested in me anymore.
I couldn’t see the love in his eyes anymore. I feared that I would lose him, I didn’t want to if only I knew he was never really mine.
I though a kid in our life might change him, a kid might rekindle our broken and lost marriage or maybe save it! I didn’t really realize that it was my unconscious mind that was looking for an excuse, I was just trying to fool myself or let’s just say was trying to convince myself that he still loved me deep inside and all I needed was to ignite that love again.
We had twins! Beautiful twins! A boy and a girl, it was the happiest day, for not only I had kids but my husband too. The moment he entered the hospital room, I looked at him trying to search that love that happiness in his eyes. He kissed our babies, came to me and said “thank you.” That moment I knew I will never find that love again!
He continued coming late from work, this time the excuse he made was, “we are four now, I have to earn extra and for that, I have to and need to work extra.”
My unconscious mind played another trick. I started thinking that maybe I might have lost my charm. To not think that way I started spending more time in salons and gyms. After all this also he didn’t notice much but I could see him staring at me once in a while. I thought it was working, I thought gradually I would be able to win him back. It was nothing else but my lost charm that was drifting us apart.
One day I got late picking up my kids from school because I was in a salon, he somehow got to know it and screamed his lungs out at me. He called me the most selfish and inconsiderate woman. He then never came across. Little did he know that I was late because of him, I was doing all that for him.
Years passed and I tried each and every method by which I could to win him back. From date nights to cooking new dishes, from trying to look and behave differently, nothing worked.
I remember he locked his phone and every time it would ring he ran to the other room and answered the call. I knew he had found a new love interest.
I wanted to confront him, scream at him, tell him how much I loved him and how hard I was trying, but I kept it all to myself because I was afraid to lose him. I wish I knew he was never really mine.
Time passed, he retired. It’s our 30th anniversary today I thought he would come home early tonight but he hasn’t shown up yet.
He has a bunch of friends with whom he loved spending time. He has slowly killed all hopes left inside me but I don’t know why I still wait for his arrival.
He is no more. He is gone but I don’t know why I am not feeling any pain. Maybe because I don’t love him anymore or maybe because I am still waiting for his arrival.